I have been having a lot of issues with connections with friends and family lately. After reading Othello and watching the movies O I noticed a lot about their connections with others. It is really hard to stand up for yourself alone. I have been having the world record for bad luck lately and it seems like I am all alone with this issue. I have looked to my significant other for comfort and have came up empty handed. I turned to my mother and when she was confronted with her opportunity to help me and stand up for me she buckled. Not only did she buckle but she even talked badly about me with this person. I have found it really hard to fight all these battles alone. The only thing that keeps my faith is that I have two little babies that depend on me and my sanity. I am not going to let the crap that is thrown at me effect my children’s lives. This has become a much harder task that I could have ever expected. When you feel so broken inside it is very hard to control how you are on the outside. I have a young son who feels everything that I am feeling. When I pick him up he begins to cry, which is what I am doing on the inside, it breaks my heart. I have gotten so that I can master deep breathing so that I am calm and he has no idea. There is nothing in this world that is more rewarding than seeing your child smile or does something amazing for their age. My daughter has turned into a little person and she amazes me daily. It is these little moments and things that help me make it through the day.
I started out this term with school as my sole focus. I was running myself ragged talking the kids to the babysitters and my parents house. I was stressed out to the point where I was losing my hair. I put a goal on myself that I had to have straight A’s in all my classes. I was able to do this for the last 2 terms why would this one be different? It is different because I am a mother of two small babies now. I have to put them first. 3 weeks ago I started focusing on them and my work has slacked a little but what does come out is so much better. Come to find out when I don’t focus so much my work is much better. Who would have figured that! So I guess the point is when life gives you lemons throw them away and get a large piece of chocolate cake out of the frig and enjoy every bite of it.
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Hang in there, Carmen. You are very brave for your children, and it sounds like you've found the key. It is our children's job to require our focus, and if we work too hard, this is probably a good thing. They give us pleasure and relief. I can totally relate! Nancy
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